Author's note: My very first RPS fic and GakuHai at the same time. Posted it at lj comm gacktxhyde. People liked it. I am proud to say that it was after Nyan-chan's comment, I added her and 've been nagging her since then. I guess it is the most important memory about this fic for me.
Oh and I also think it is the longest one-shot fic I've ever written. Go me. ^^;; I didnt want to make it RPS at first. But I couldn't come up with the names and the describtion would have reminded to you about those two anyway, so.. :)


Unreality



He was losing control over reality. The flashing lights of the night club were blinding him, giving a surreal feeling to the surroundings. The throbbing music was deafening him sometimes to the point it was almost painful. Ever so often he had to overcome the urge to shut his ears and close his eyes. Not that it would help anyway.

Splayed on the couch of the indefinable color Hyde briefly glanced at his friend, who was devoting all his attention to his girlfriend and her friend. Both girls were giggling at the jokes he threw at them, though he had practically to yell at top of his lungs. The second girl kept stealing glances in his direction. The man sighed. The girl was cute, but he was married and wasn’t interested in cheating on his wife. At least not with this girl, who looked so desperately young and naïve with her brown dyed hair and awkward orange skirt, propping skinny knees and big blue artificial looking eyes, that he felt as if he was doing something illegal just letting her stare at him like this. He felt sorry for the girl. She wasn’t going to receive anything from him – whatever his friend promised her to make her come along. He had made sure to tell his friend that he didn’t need company, especially of that sort, but was he ever listened to? Of course not. And now he was stuck in the night club with his friend and two girls, whom were of no interest to him.

He did feel bored. He brought a glass of whiskey to his lips, trying to remind himself why he agreed to come here in the first place. Oh yes, because he was bored out of his wits to have to deal with his wife fussing over the baby, while he wasn’t allowed to approach the child. His wife’s strongest argument was that he was a man and knew nothing about the babies. Oh great. That’s why he agreed on his friend’s offer to go out for a drink and ended up being here. And he was still bored.

He put the glass down on the table, the ice cubes in the drink clicking inaudibly, and returned to his previous occupation – staring at the crowd of people dancing. He watched the mess of bodies move against each other to the rhythm of the music. He never could understand how those people managed to dance to that kind of music. Limbs moving, heads jolting, bodies brushing - that kind of dance looked much more intimate than it should have been, he thought. He wouldn’t have tolerated the feeling of strangers bodies pressed up against him so closely. Even looking at the never-ending mass of the moving bodies made him feel suffocated.

He ran his hand through his short messy dark hair. He wore a sleeveless black t-shirt and a matching pair of leather pants and heavy boots. He really wasn’t dressed for the night club. But he was thankful to God, he hadn’t put on anything white or he would have been shining right now like a diode. He smirked at the thought. He rested his hand on the back of the couch. His wrist was wrapped in a leather spiky wrist-band; his fingers clad with few heavy silver rings.

His friend leaned to him and shouted in his ear a question. “Yeah, great”, he shouted back. “Absolutely fucking great,” he muttered under his breath, sure that his words wouldn’t be heard over the music. He suppressed another sigh, brought his glass to his lips again and took a sip. The amber liquid burnt down his throat, stilling his breath for a moment. He licked his lips, eyes still watching the anonymous crowd in front of him. He stopped, when he thought he saw a glimpse of a familiar face. Narrowing his eyes, he scanned the crowd for the second time. A flash of the blinding white light lit up the opposite part of the club. Then he noticed him. Sitting alone at the table across the dance floor, wearing what seemed to be casual clothes and a content smirk - an attractive man with brown hair was staring right into his eyes.

Gackt.

Hyde’s heart sped up a bit; he was both surprised and pleased to see another man in the club. They were introduced to each other by some common friend, met several times after that, but never exceeded the boundaries of the acquaintance. Not sure what to do the dark haired man just raised his hand a little and nodded, greeting the other man. The latter just smiled a little and nodded in return.

Staring was impolite, so the dark haired man averted his eyes and looked on the right where his friend was sitting only to find him very much occupied with both girls. Raising his eyebrow in surprise, he looked away, feeling mildly disgusted and annoyed. He took another sip of whiskey, shifting in his seat uncomfortably. He was too aware that the occupants of the nearby couch were engaged in the similar activity as well as some other people in the club. He realized that he felt disturbed by it. He hadn’t come here seeking for a partner for a one night stand, neither he had come to party and dance. He felt oddly out of place. The feeling didn’t improve his mood. He was surely ready to kill his friend for bringing him here the moment he would finish – whatever he was doing now.

He looked across the dance floor again, looking for the brown haired man, wondering if he also felt as bored as he was. Surprisingly the table was empty, and he started scanning the dancing people, when he suddenly noticed the said man moving through the crowd in his direction. For a moment he was captivated by the liquid movements of the slim body, which reminded him of a cat. It took him some time to realize that the other was approaching their table with a secretive smirk on his lips. He had to get up to greet the man and shake his hand firmly only to be pulled into a quick hug, which he reluctantly at first, but then returned. The dark haired man turned in the direction of his friend and introduced him and two girls to the other man. The hands were shaken, polite greetings exchanged. He occupied the free space near Hyde, smiling at him.

“Having fun?”, he asked.

The dark haired man made a face. “With those three?”, he nodded in the direction of his friend and the girls, “Hardly.”, he commented dryly.

The delicate eyebrow was lifted at his words, but nothing was said, as a waitress arrived asking him if he would like to order something. The dark haired man didn’t hear what was said, and bringing his glass of whiskey to his lips, surveyed the other man. He was dressed in the creamy colored shirt and dark pants. Nothing too tight, too revealing or too fancy. The absolutely casual outfit, which told the other man that Gackt hadn’t been dressing for the clubbing either. When he raised his hand to brush few strokes of brown hair from his eyes, the dark haired man noticed that he wore several bracelets and silver rings on his fingers. The collar and first two buttons of the shirt were unbuttoned, exposing a silver chain and a unique pendant similar in shape to the long earrings in his ears. Hyde was sure he had noticed him wearing this jewelry several times before, so it was probably a habit and not a wish to show off. At the very moment Gackt turned away from the waitress who already brought his order and smiled warmly at him.

Or maybe just a little bit, thought Hyde. He watched the other bring a glass with a red wine to his lips and take a sip. The movements were calculated and languid, as if he was doing it for public, knowing well that he was being watched. Moving in the same way, he put the glass back on the table, turned to the other man and putting his right arm on the back of the couch mirroring Hyde’s previous actions and looked at him. He said nothing. He seemed to be absolutely comfortable and relaxed, leaning back and watching his companion with a tiny smile on his face. No, it wasn’t even a smile, but a barely noticeable twist of lips, which made him look mildly amused. He looked at him as if expecting him to strike a conversation, but Hyde didn’t know what to say, that’s he looked away and reached for the pack of cigarettes on the table near his glass. He took out one cigarette, lighting it and tossing the pack back on the table in one swift motion. He took a drag of it, enjoying the feeling of the nicotine filling his lungs. Slowly he let the smoke out.

He looked at Gackt again only to see him looking back at him in the same expecting way. He was starting to find it disturbing, but some movement on his right attracted his attention, and he looked there to see his friend talking to somebody over the cell – or rather he was shouting in it –, his hand closing his other ear in attempt to hear the reply, and other two girls were kissing. It actually made him smirk. He noticed the brown haired man watching the scene with the same semi-surprised expression. He arched an eyebrow at the other and the dark haired man just shrugged. At that moment the girls broke the kiss and the one who had been looking at him with some longing all evening gave Gackt a lusting look, licking her lips and tugging at her skirt. But the brown haired man just smirked and averted his eyes, letting her know, he wasn’t interested.

Hyde wanted to laugh at the scene, but he was sorry for the girl who started biting nails with a frown. He wanted to ask her if she was of age, though he was sure she wasn’t, to tell her to go home to her mommy, or drive the poor thing home himself and tell her dad to what places her precious daughter went, so that she’d get a good thrashing and hopefully learn something. But he knew he would do neither. He didn’t know her, and he didn’t care. He finished his cigarette and stubbed the butt in the ash tray.

Gackt was still watching the crowd of dancing people, absent-mindedly twisting the glass with wine in his fingers. He only glanced up briefly, when two girls rose a bit unsteadily and went to the dance floor. They both seemed a bit drunk already. He looked at Hyde, who was talking with his friend. The dark haired man was practically blending with the darkness, and only an occasional blinding flash of light revealed him. It seemed as if he didn’t wanted to be seen. Gackt had a feeling as if he was sitting near a ghost and not a living human and that only he could see him. He shuddered at the thought.

Hyde was only half listening to what was being told to him. His friend was drunk and made no sense. He stifled a sigh and nodded as if understanding him. He could feel Gackt’s eyes on him, that made him uncomfortable. When he stole a glance at him in the flashing light he noticed that Gackt’s eyes were blue and wide opened as if in fear. Hyde blinked, the moment was lost, and his companion was watching the dance floor as he did before. The dark haired man thought that he was hallucinating.

The friend shouted something like a question in his ear, and while he was desperately trying to remember what they were talking about, his friend’s girlfriend reappeared and laughing grabbed her boyfriend’s hand and dragged him to the dance floor. Hyde was spared the need to answer. He rolled his eyes up and reached for his whiskey. Noticing that he almost finished it, he searched with his eyes for a waitress, catching her glance, he nodded to her. When she approached their table he ordered second glass of whiskey.

Gackt finished his drink too and put an empty glass on the table. He looked at the other man and noticed that he was staring in front of him with somewhat dazed look, swirling his whiskey in the hand. Hyde was sulking. He leaned closer to the dark haired man, so that he didn’t have to shout, and asked: “You don’t like night clubs?” It was more a statement than a question. Hyde shivered, when he felt Gackt’s hot breath near his ear. He felt uncomfortable, being so close to the other man, to anybody in fact, but he made himself not to shift away. He had to face Gackt to answer the question. Staring in the blue orbs, he wondered if the other wore the colored contacts as a part of the image or because he had a poor sight. It reminded him of the other girl with the same blue contacts, but then he decided that the color was a bit different and they suited Gackt, but he couldn’t say the very same thing about the girl. “No”, he said finally, “I find them boring. I don’t dance and prefer quieter places to have a drink.” Gackt looked at him attentively as if trying to read his eyes, then nodded, letting a tiny smile surface on his lips, and leaned back to the back of the couch, looking away. Hyde felt a bit relieved that the other man moved away a bit, although they still were sitting closer than before, and the dark haired man found that Gackt’s hand was still wrapped over the back of the couch, when he leaned back. Hyde flinched as if burnt, when his back touched the other man’s hand. Feeling embarrassed, but hating to be touched by other people, he leaned forward, reaching for his pack of cigarettes. He needed something to occupy his hands with. When he failed to light his cigarette for the first two times, he ordered himself to stop fidgeting. He behaved as if he was nervous. And Hyde reminded himself that he had absolutely no reason to feel nervous, quiet on the contrary. But still he couldn’t fight his childish fears of the anonymous crowds of people. It seemed to him that all those people were looking at him, laughing at him.

With difficulty he averted his eyes from the dance floor to look at Gackt – that was the only way to still that run of the thoughts. He observed the perfect features of the other man, drinking on his appearance, wishing the tight feeling in his chest to go away. He tried to make himself concentrate on the smallest details of Gackt’s face and ignore the nagging feeling of claustrophobia. He didn’t notice how his fear of being touched by the strangers subsided before the much stronger fear of the masses of people. Just few minutes ago Hyde was edging away from the other man, and now he was unconsciously shifting closer as if seeking the shelter from the rest of the world.

Maybe the slight movements of the dark haired man or the intensity of his stare, but Gackt turned his head and looked at him questionably. Hyde swallowed fighting the limp in his throat. Leaning to him a bit he asked: “Do you like it here?” In fact he meant to ask if Gackt liked night clubs in general, but the brown haired man seemed to understand it. He just simply said: “I like night clubs.”

“Why?”, Hyde frowned.

“Because here nobody cares who you are, it gives me the feeling of anonymity. And it is quiet rare, you know.” A smirk surfaced on the delicate lips. “I also like watching other people, instead of being watched myself. It’s nice for a change.” The blue eyes were scanning the crowd once again. “I feel safe here”, he added after a thought. Noticing the way Hyde crossed his hands at his chest almost protectively, Gackt couldn’t help asking: “You feel different?”

The dark haired man nodded a little. “These crowds are making me feel claustrophobic.” He grimly observed the people in the club. “It feels as if they are here after me, as if they want to choke me. They look at me the way as if they know my deepest secrets and secretly laugh and mock at me.” Gackt’s face grew serious as he was watching the other man frowning and biting his lips as he was spilling his thoughts out. He could almost feel the dread and fear radiating from the other’s body. And when Hyde shivered, the brown haired man immediately placed his hand on the other’s shoulder in a smoothing manner and said gently: “Don’t worry. Nothing is going to happen to you here. I won’t let it.” Hyde’s eyes flew up at these words and he looked into the eyes of Gackt trying to understand if the other man was mocking at him. But he saw only concern and silent understanding. Still he knew he had to say something to break the spell.

“I bet you find it stupid”, he said.

Gackt shook his head. “No, I don’t. Everybody has their own fears.”

“Yes, indeed”, agreed Hyde.

Gackt turned away from him to take and light his cigarette, his hand disappearing from the other man’s shoulder. But the warm touch lingered. Hyde kept his eyes on the man as he brought the cigarette to his lips and took a drag of it. He mused how little in fact they knew about each other, only those things which were printed in tabloids, the bizarre rumors invented by the journalists and rabid fans. He had few friends and relatives who really knew him, but in fact Hyde sometimes doubted that he even knew himself. He often thought that it was impossible to know another person completely. Every time he thought he knew a person’s every thought, every dream, every wish, he would find out something more, which made seem all his attempts futile. Sometimes he thought that it was dangerous to know all other person’s secrets. Maybe because of that he never thought of his wife as his half. Sometimes he thought that they didn’t know each other through and through. And Hyde wasn’t really sure that he even wanted to. Maybe some time ago he really wanted to feel whole with her, but now there was something amiss. Something very important. But he wasn’t sure what. Hyde brought the whiskey to his lips and sipped it. He pressed the cool glass to his hot face, trying to sort his thoughts. He briefly glanced at Gackt, who had already finished his cigarette and lit a new one. He was feeling mellow, maybe due to the consumed alcohol, watching Gackt flick the ash of his cigarette over the ash-tray, then bring the cancer stick back to his lips. He watched a little red tip gleam in the darkness as he inhaled, and then after few heartbeats the streams of smoke escaping his lips and nostrils as he exhaled. Hyde has never noticed that watching somebody smoke could be so fascinating. Gackt brushed a hand through his hair, and the dark haired man watched a long earring swing slightly in his ear. Mesmerized by the tiny movements Hyde unconsciously moved closer. He wondered what it would be like to touch it. Without thinking what he was doing he leaned to the brown haired man’s ear to have a better look at the earring. He mused if it had hurt to have the ears pierced like that, only partly aware that he said that aloud.

“No”, came the whispered reply.

Hyde touched the earring with his fingers, rubbed it between them, surprised that the metal was warm. Then his attention switched to the face so close to his. He watched the skin change its shade according to the flashing lights above them, he had never seen anyone looking more surreal and mystic than Gackt at that moment. Hyde wondered what would happen if he touched his face, what it would feel like. He was only thinking about doing it, when he saw his own hand rise and his fingers touch the skin. But he couldn’t draw his hand away, he wouldn’t dare. He was almost sure that Gackt would turn his head and ask him what the hell Hyde thought he was doing.

But Gackt didn’t. He just closed his eyes, accepting whatever was given. As he wasn’t stopped, Hyde’s fingers continued touching Gackt’s cheek, then moving down to the jaw line, then up again to the closed eyes. He moved his thumb over the eyelids, feeling the movements of the eye underneath, over the eyelashes, then over the eyebrow line and down back to the earlobe. Hyde was watching his fingers dance over the other’s skin, he didn’t seem bothered by the thought that he was touching almost intimately the man he barely knew. He had the feeling as if it was somebody else’s hand and he was just an observant and not the doer. As if nothing depended on him.

Gackt knew that probably Hyde was under the influence of the alcohol and perhaps barely knew what he was doing. But he didn’t want it to end. He liked the touch of the dark haired man’s fingers on his skin. He was afraid to disturb out of this reverie state he was in, that’s why he didn’t dare to move, didn’t dare to speak. With closed eyes he savored the touch, so carelessly granted to him. But suddenly the fingers were gone. Drowsily Gackt opened his eyes and glanced at Hyde. He was sitting with his eyes cast down, the whiskey glass pressed to his lips.

The brown haired man sighed and was about to say something, when Hyde’s friend and two girls returned. They were all laughing loudly, flushed with alcohol and dancing. The guy leaned to Hyde and shouted in his ear that they were leaving and asked if he wanted to leave also. Gackt thought that the dark haired man stole a quick glance in his direction before shaking his head negatively. Soon the three left, leaving Gackt mildly curious why Hyde wouldn’t leave also, as he seemed to be so uncomfortable in the night club. He didn’t dare to guess the reason.

Gackt glanced at Hyde who was still holding his glass clasped in his hands, clinging to it like to an anchor. His thumb brushed the moisture collecting on the smooth surface. But his fingers remembered the other smoothness – the skin of the man sitting near him. Hyde didn’t know him, but he found that he wanted to know this man. He wanted to know him inside and out to try to understand why he was feeling so comfortable and safe near him. The beating music seemed to penetrate his body, making him all vibrate with some inner energy, and he was feeling warm and somewhat happy inside. It was all so strange and different from what he had been feeling himself in the beginning of the evening, it left Hyde confused; his feeling of the unreality increasing.

Gackt frowned a little. Without the other man’s touch on his skin he felt oddly lonely and abandoned. He didn’t know if he had the right to say anything about his feelings. Willing desperately for the dark haired man to raise his eyes and look at him, his own eyes never left his face. But Hyde didn’t move a bit, lost in his own thought. Sighing, Gackt moved closer and with his heart attempting to choke him with the frantic beating, slowly reached out and brushed few strands of dark hair. Hyde flinched at first, but then relaxed, his eyes were still fixed on the glass in his hands though.

“What’s the matter?”, whispered Gackt, leaning even closer to him. The warm breath tickled Hyde’s skin, oddly distracting him from thinking over the question. “Nothing”, he said finally, shrugging a bit. “Just thinking.”

“About what?”, Gackt knew that he was doing something rather provoking, leaning so close, his lips were almost brushing the other man’s ear. But he didn’t care how it looked, he only wished to look into Hyde’s eyes and to know what he was thinking about. His hand continued brushing the strands of Hyde’s dark hair. He couldn’t make himself stop, or maybe he wasn’t willing to.

“Do you sometimes have a feeling that there is something amiss, but you don’t know what? You seem to have everything, but something feels wrong”, said Hyde, suddenly looking up and staring directly in the other’s blue eyes. “This feeling becomes stronger and stronger, until the moment it overwhelms you and…”, he trailed off.

“ And then you suddenly find yourself surrounded by the friends but still feeling lonely”, finished Gackt for him. Hyde nodded a little, his eyes were full of the sadness and longing.

Yes, Gackt thought, brushing his lips over the other’s, all of them felt lonely sometimes, their need for fulfillment never satisfied. And even your best friend wouldn’t understand your feelings and comfort you. Their lips were barely touching, their breaths mingled. Sometimes you just want to be held, thought Hyde idly, his eyes closed, a kind word and a warm embrace would be enough to keep going. Closing his eyes and shutting off the reality, Gackt brought their lips together. The kiss was slow and long, bearing both the bitterness of the smoke and the sweetness of the wine.

When they finally broke the kiss, Hyde looked into the blue eyes and saw his own emotions mirrored in them. His fingers were tangled in Gackt’s silk hair, the other hand was holding the glass in a death grip. Gackt’s fingers were brushing his cheek. It wasn’t real, thought Hyde, it couldn’t have been. He knew it would end the moment they stepped out of the club, their paths would split, and probably he would never feel this content again. If so, he should end it now, he should…

Hyde lost all his thoughts, the moment when Gackt closed the distance between them and kissed him again. It felt as if all the world was suddenly shut away from them, and there was nothing except for Gackt: Gackt’s lips over his, Gackt’s hands in his hair, Gackt’s body pressed to his. He could hear nothing, only their breathing and heavy beating of their hearts. Hyde had never felt that warm before. He wished he would never wake up. Eventually the lips drew apart, and Gackt moved back a little. Hyde sat upright, immediately bringing the glass to his lips and downing the remains of the whiskey. He put the glass on the table and noticed that his hand trembled. When Hyde glanced up, Gackt was smoking and looking away from him. The dark haired man swallowed. That was it, he thought bitterly, it was time to face the reality.

Abruptly he got up and swung a little, his legs felt weak, his vision was blurred. Gackt rose to his feet too and gently placed a hand on the other’s shoulder: “You shouldn’t be driving in this state. I can give you a lift.”, he said. Hyde nodded absent-mindedly.

When they walked into the street, Hyde was momentarily deafened by the silence outside the club. It was much colder than he remembered it to be in the beginning of the evening, the goose bumps appeared on his bare arms. The air was moist and there were puddles on the ground. It must have been raining. The streets were empty, and the sky was still dark with the light touches of the rising sun. It was 3 a.m. on Gackt’s watch, when they sat into the man’s car. “Where do you want me to drive you?”, he asked Hyde, who was leaning to the opened window with his eyes closed. “Anywhere but home”, he whispered. Gackt started the engine.

The drove in the silence, both occupied with their own thoughts. Hyde was fighting the buzz in his head. Everything seemed blurred and too quiet and even more surreal than it had been in the club. Hyde refused to accept it. He tried to stop thinking about what had happened, about the reasons, possible complications, about the aroused emotions, and how good it had felt to be held like that. Hyde felt confused, embarrassed, scared, sad and so much more, but he couldn’t put a finger on the emotion. He closed his eyes again, trying to find the consolation in the lulling sound of the car engine. And he felt a pang of something close to a disappointment when they finally stopped. Hyde sat up in his seat and looked out of the window. They stopped near somebody’s house.

Gackt’s house, Hyde suddenly realized. But the thought didn’t disturb him as it should have been. They left car in the silence and entered the house. Gackt didn’t turn on the lights, but the dark haired man managed to slip out of his boots, without having to untie them. He paused uncertainly, being able to see nothing in the darkness. “Gackt?”, he called finally. He could hear a slight movement near him – Gackt appeared to be standing almost right in front of him. Hyde didn’t like standing alone in the darkness. His hands found Gackt, encircled around his neck, his lips found the other’s lips, and everything felt right again. The following rustle of the clothes, hungry kisses, burning touches and quiet moans – everything felt too real in the blinding darkness, and Hyde was sure to remember all that in the morning. To be able to give and to receive back, he realized to be the greatest treasure one could possess. Without thinking twice he gave himself away to the passion.

Some time later, feeling content and satisfied Hyde was lying on the silk sheets, his body deliciously entwined with the other’s, Gackt’s head on his chest, his fingers playing with the brown strands of hair. He was listening to Gackt’s confessions, learned about his fears. Gackt told him that he was afraid of the water, that he used to see ghosts, that was why he was afraid of the darkness and could never sleep at night, so he went out seeking for comfort in the crowds of people. Looking in the darkness of the bedroom Hyde whispered to him that he shouldn’t be afraid to sleep now, because he was with him and he wouldn’t leave till Gackt would wake up.

Closing his eyes Hyde thought that their trust in each other was as thin as ice, their bond was too weak yet, but he was ready to give everything not to break that. Because he knew that only Gackt could save him from the coldness of the day, while only he would hold the other man through the night. Their loneliness and their fears were what brought them together; and together they would be able to fight them.

Hyde smiled; he was almost happy.

Almost.

written: 13/07/04