It was frustrating how everybody seemed to treat him
still as a kid. But he was not a kid anymore and he knew exactly what he wanted.
He wanted Jaejoong.
Sweet mother-like, beautiful but undeniably male
Jaejoong, who seemed to return everybody’s affection except for Changmin’s.
//
Jaejoong closes the door to Yunho’s room with barely
audible click. He turns and almost jumps seeing Changmin leaning on the wall
right in front of him. The younger boy’s hands are crossed on his chest, his
face wearing a stern expression.
Willing his heart to stop beating so fast, Jaejoong
asks quietly, “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in bed?”
“I am not a kid anymore to be in bed after
But Jaejoong just shrugs and turns to leave, when
Changmin’s hissed question stops him, “Does he fuck you hard?”
“What?!” In shock Jaejoong whirls and looks at the
younger boy, not quite believing what he is hearing.
“Yunho. Does he fuck you hard? Does he make you moan
and writhe under him?”
“What are you talking about?!”
Changmin thinks he likes the way Jaejoong’s face is a
mask of shock and disbelief.
“I am not that naïve, Jaejoong!”
//
They all thought he knew nothing of sex or what was
going on behind the closed doors. But he knew, and knew too much. And sometimes
he wished he wasn’t that smart or that observant.
So he spent sleepless nights, straining his ears and
listening for Jaejoong’s steps, as he would tiptoe to Yunho’s room. He would
only fall asleep when he was sure he heard the elder boy return to his room.
//
They come off stage high and excited, adrenaline still
rushing through their veins. They are surrounded by staff and occasional random
people, but Changmin still catches the look Jaejoong gives Yunho and following
him manages to corner the eldest boy at a deserted corridor.
He says nothing, just grabs the other’s wrist
stopping him. When Jaejoong looks at him questioningly, he presses him to the
wall.
“What are you doing?!”
“Where are you going?”
They stare at each other silently; Jaejoong defiant,
Changmin angry.
“What the hell is going on here?!”
Yunho’s voice breaks them up. Changmin lets go of
Jaejoong’s wrist, and walks away brushing past the leader, his face
unreadable.
“Nothing.”
//
Every so often Changmin wondered what was about Yunho
that was attracting Jaejoong. He could see that their leader was strong and
possessed that type of masculine beauty that made all their fan girls swoon. But
all of them were attractive in their own way and Jaejoong could hardly be called
a girl, and he simply couldn’t understand why he chose Yunho.
And not him.
//
“Can you tell me something?”
Changmin leans on the fridge watching Jaejoong’s
hands move as he washes the dishes. Jaejoong doesn’t look up, but his back
tenses and then he nods.
“What makes Yunho so special?”
Jaejoong is silent for a moment. His hands continue
their steady work, as he scrubs and rinses.
“He makes me feel secure. With him I know where I
stand. He is strong where I am weak.” He says finally.
Finishing his work, Jaejoong turns off the tap and
moves to take a towel and dry his hands. He still refuses to look at Changmin.
“Do you love him?”
Jaejoong pauses on his way out of the kitchen.
“I like him.”
//
He knew there was nothing he could do to change the
situation. He couldn’t make Jaejoong change his feelings. And still he hoped
that one day Yunho and Jaejoong would break up and he would be there to pick up
the pieces.
//
The water feels hot against his skin, running down in
dozens of tiny waterfalls, teasing his skin. His hands roam across his chest,
brushing the rosy buds of his nipples.
He moans as they travel south, finally reaching his
rigid sex. He knows exactly where to touch, how fast to move his hand, how hard
to squeeze his member. The orgasm rips through him and he lets out a choked cry,
unable to silence himself and not caring if somebody hears.
“Jaejoong!”
For a second he stands still, panting heavily, only the
hands on wall keeping him upright. Small aftershocks still course his body, when
he starts rinsing off the traces of his release.
Instead of feeling sated he feels empty inside.
//
He thought that maybe it was all about the experience.
Maybe if he had more experience in sex, Jaejoong would have chosen him.
That was why he felt he did a right thing when he let
that nameless guy from their staff fuck him. He thought it would teach him how
to be more desirable to the eldest boy.
Instead it just made him feel dirty.
//
The moment Jaejoong enters his room and turns on the
lights, he freezes in shock.
“Turn off the fuckin’ lights, Jae.”
A very naked and a very drunk – judging by the slur
and an empty bottle – Changmin in his bed.
In spite of the ridiculousness of the situation,
Jaejoong can’t help but admire the body in front of him. The boys has grown
and matured, and it shows in every panel and muscle of his body. Almost
unwillingly the boy’s gaze shifts lower and wanders over the places which were
usually concealed by the clothes from his eyes.
“Like what you see?”
Jaejoong shuts the door and slowly approaches the bed.
“I’ve always thought you are the most beautiful of us all.” His voice is
gently, as are his hands when he moves to cover Changmin’s lower body with the
sheet.
“You do know I want you, don’t you?”
Changmin’s voice sounds like that of a lost child,
his eyes are pleading.
“Of course, I do”, Jaejoong lowers himself to seat
on the bed, his hand gently brushes the dark locks from the boy’s face.
“Why don’t you want me, Jaejoong? Why do you want
Yunho? What do I have to do, how do I have to change to make you want me?”
The tears spill down the tanned cheeks, Jaejoong’s
hand keeps brushing the boy’s hair, as Changmin sobs out all his grief and
frustration. When the younger boy has finally fallen asleep, Jaejoong leans to
brush a kiss across the forehead and whispers, “Just be yourself.”
August 08, 2006