Author's note:
Summer Romance Contest # 2 Changmin
I am still surprised I wrote this. No no, nothing weird or abusive or whatever. I was just so sure that I can’t write about Changmin, that I wont be able to write. But I did. ^^;; Oh well. The story was so easy to write, it practically wrote itself. (I just typed it :P) Yes, until I say something even more weird, I’ll shut up and let you read it and judge for yourself. But I am content. Yes. I am. :)

Sweet Thank yous


He reminds me of a kitten when he sleeps like this, sprawled on the rag. On his stomach, one hand near his face, the other gripped over the mp3-payer remote, the earphones in his ears. His eyes are tightly closed, the lips slightly parted, his brows knit. I wonder what he is dreaming about that makes him frown. I want to reach out to brush his tousled hair, smooth away the crease crossing his forehead.


His skin ever so dark is even darker now, tanned under the hot sun. He is wearing only swimming trunks, just like me; the sun has already dried his skin, and the particles of sand glitter like tiny bright dots on his back in the rays of the setting sun.


It is the best time of the day to be at the beach: the sun has long left its highest point in the sky and now it is lazily rolling down to the horizon line. The air is warm, and I know that the sea is warm like milk Changmin still drinks everyday before going to bed. The breeze lightly caresses my skin, bringing the smell of the sea and warm sand. It is not so maddening hot as it was, but it will take hours to actually cool down. So, we still have time to lazy at the beach and enjoy our oh so rare day-off.


And watch him. I still have time to watch him.


Everybody has always considered him to be the baby of the group, but in fact we all were. And still are. We are changing, altering, not only our looks and outfits but also our inner worlds. We are getting older, growing up too quickly, trying to accommodate to the world of elders, to fit in, to look more sophisticated and experienced than we really are. But instead of getting wiser we are becoming cynical, losing innocence of souls. We are grown-ups in the teenagers’ bodies. We all can feel these changes.


Except for him.


He is the youngest of us all and he is trying, he is trying so damn hard to keep up with us. But to keep up in what? In losing innocence? In learning about all cruelties of this world? In becoming an arrogant self-centered brat? In succumbing to all the temptations of the world? It is hard and he is trying, but does he realize that there is no turning point, no going back?


Watching him sleep, his face expressionless and stripped of all masks he ever tries to put on is telling me that he doesn’t fully understand the importance of what is happening with our lives. Sitting on the warm sand, watching the waves rock steadily, it is just a brief moment, a steady point, before our lives go sky-rocket again and we would have no time to stop and think twice when the decisions are being made. Sometimes I think that we are just the puppets in the hands of the managers, company, our fans. I know that others are aware of that, at different degrees, but I am the oldest one and I feel responsible for the rest of them, and I know, I feel that with him this thought hasn’t sunk in. He hasn’t realized yet that we don’t belong to ourselves, but to those who pay. I guess this thought doesn’t exist in his world. He is a child in the world full of bright toys, new clothes, pretty looks, expensive cars (whatever he wishes can be bought with the money we have), but he doesn’t, cant possibly understand that money put more restrictions on us, than liberties they give.


Too naïve and not corrupted yet to see this.


Involuntary I reach and touch his hair lightly, he lies still and I assume that he is still deep asleep. My fingers comb his hair gently, petting him, and all I could think of is, God, please, let him stay like this forever, let no evil touch his innocent heart. But I know perfectly well that all my prayers futile and there are things which depend on us only. Following some sudden urge and the rush of sentiment nostalgia, I lean and brush my lips over his cheek.


Never grow up, kid, I whisper in his ear.


And then he stirs and I pull back swiftly, my hands clasped in my lap, but my fingers missing the softness of his dark locks. He moves, mumbles something, still half asleep, finally opening his eyes and looking at me. His hand moves to remove the earpieces, sweeps over his face in a half-hearted attempt to will away the sleep. Finally he pushes himself up and sits, yawning and looking so young and adorable.


He looks at me with his eyes still blurry from sleep and smiles lazily. I smile back, just a little, watching with a fascination as face expression changes as he becomes more awake, more aware of surroundings, himself, everything. It is like watching the shields being put back in their places. Click, and he is no longer an innocent boy who has captured my heart with the trusting dazzling smile. It is like watching him grow few years older in a quick motion. This Changmin knows what he is worth, what he is capable of.


And then suddenly he is a kid again, the bright smile is back, as he grabs my hand and pulls my to my feet, getting up as well. “Cmon,” he says. “Let’s swim.” And before I can contemplate the sudden change in the mood, or brood over other existential problems, I am being dragged to the water and he is not letting go of my hand till we both suddenly plunge into the water.


All coherent thoughts escape me, when we are just a mess of limbs and then we are splashing each other and laughing and, oh my God, I feel happy and light-headed and almost ecstatic to see him laugh so freely and be happy. But at the same time there is some grueling thought at the back of my mind, that plagues me, and I think, instead of giving up all troubles and just enjoying the moment, I think that this is not forever, that I can’t preserve this single minute of happiness, that I can’t bottle up our laughter, that I can’t put this smiling and happy kid in a safe bubble and keep there forever.


I can’t.


And I must have spaced out, because it is a total shock, when suddenly two hands encircle my waist and I am pressed to a warm body behind me. And I swear my heart has stopped beating, because all I can hear is the flutter of his heart and his heavy breathing that tickles my ear, when he whispers to me:


“Thank you, Jae, thank you… for everything…”


My damp skin is cooling quickly under the soft breeze, and something is biting into my back, which most probably is Changmin’s cross, which he never puts off. But that all doesn’t matter, because all I can feel is the unexpected strength radiating from the body pressed close to mine, and the warmth of the thigh under my fingers.


I smile.


ended: 6/27/2005