Sin


We didn't see each other since I told him that I had feelings for him. Back then he simply looked into my eyes and told me in a flat tone: "Angels aren't supposed to love anybody except for our Lord. It is a sin." He turned away and pushing from the ground flew upwards. Admiring the steady movements of his white wings, I watched him disappear from my sight. But I didn't expect him to disappear from my life as well.

A yeah passed since then. I knew that he was still on Earth, I could still feel his presence. He must have been avoiding me on purpose. I used that time to sort my feelings. I didn't feel any regret about telling him that I loved him. I didn't exactly expect him to return my feelings, he was too much of a perfect angel for that. And he was right - we weren't supposed to feel any deep feelings either to humans or other angels. It was considered to be a sin; our God demanded the utter loyalty from us. We were His messengers, the vessels of His power, the part of Him, His divine children. What I felt, what I said was a sin. But I couldn't understand why our Lord didn't deprive me of my wings and didn't dispose of me once I uttered those words? It was something beyond my understanding.

I could have spent years contemplating over whether I should return to the Heaven and face our God, but my love's sudden Call brought me to the reality. It was weak and distant, but it was still distinct and I could feel his pain and anger. That instantly alerted me. Expecting the worst I followed his Call. The sky was getting darker as I was flying; the stormy rain clouds, that were concealing the sun from a city for days, now threatened to erupt with a heavy shower.

His Call suddenly died out, the moment I reached the supposed place of its source. The district was dirty and poor, the air smelled of dread. Carefully I landed on a railing, expecting it to give away under my feet any minute. There was no balcony door and the floor of the balcony was covered with the pieces of the broken glass and brick. It was dark inside the room and I could see nothing in it. I jumped down on the concrete floor, the glass crackling under my feet.

Some dark figure moved inside, and I was instantly hit by the terrible pain in the chest - his pain. I gasped, grabbing and holding into the railing for a moment to steady myself. 

"Hae?", I called out, "Is that you?" I received no response, so I had to enter the room. Stepping into the darkness, a queer smell reached me. I brushed a way the thought about what it could be, more concerned about my love. I finally noticed him standing in the corner, facing the wall. 

Something in his posture seemed wrong to me, but I couldn't place my finger on it. Then suddenly it dawned on me. "Hae... Oh my God, Hae...", was all I could utter for a moment, being totally consumed by the shock. "Your wings... Who did this to you?.." 

The shirt on his back was ripped and on the place where once two beautiful wings had been proudly erected,  were two deep wounds now. Transfixed, I watched the blood freely flow from them, covering his back, forming the crimson pools under his feet. He moved a little, I could see that his right hand was pressed to the wall, supporting him. 

"Tell me, who did this to you?", my throat was tight with the grief and anger. "Why do you want to know that?", his voice sounded hoarse and bitter, it sounded like a stranger's voice. I unsuccessfully tried to lick my dry lips. "I will make them pay for what they did to you.", I swore. "I will kill them." 

He turned and gave me a side glance through the dark curtain of his hair. I could barely distinguish his silhouette. He surprised me with a chuckle. "You really will do it, will you?", he asked, shaking his head as if in disbelief, "Will you then kill me, if I tell you that I did that?"

The world started spinning around me, when he turned and I finally saw what he was holding in his left hand. It was a knife. A blood-covered knife with a white feather stuck to it. "Will you really kill me, Sye?", he asked me with something very similar to hope in his voice. 

All I could do was to shake my head. The tears were blinding me as I took a hesitant step forward. "Why...", I whispered, shaking my head again, my mind refused to register what he just said. "Why did you do this... to yourself?", I was shaking now.

"I did that because I committed a sin and didn't deserve to be an angel anymore..." He moved away from the wall towards me, staggering and almost falling, before I caught him. He groaned and closed his eyes in pain. Carefully holding him in my arms, I helped him to stand on his feet, leaning on me. He was extremely pale and seemed to be having a fever, but even such a blood loss could hardly kill him. I searched his face for the signs of the madness, because he was surely not the same angel I knew. "A sin against our God?", I asked tentatively. 

He opened his eyes and stared in what seemed to be the depths of my soul. He looked absolutely sane to me, when he said: "Not against God, but against the one I love." I was taken aback by his words. I couldn't understand what he meant. "Hae?..", I started. But he brought his right hand up and covered my lips with his blood-stained fingers. He looked directly into my eyes and simply said: "I lied to you. When you confessed your feelings to me, I didn't dare to admit that I felt the same towards you. I didn't do it, because I was scared that His wrath would fall on us and we would be exiled from the Heaven. I could cope with living on Earth among mere humans, but could you?" He broke the gaze and looked away, his hand falling down. 

"For over a year I tried to get you out of my head. But I couldn't. Whatever I did, wherever I go, you seemed to penetrate my thoughts. One day I realized that I loved you more than our Lord. And that was a sin too." His voice was barely audible now. He looked forlorn and hurt. His emotional pain hurt me more than his physical. I was trembling, the tears were rolling down my cheeks. "I thought that I had to atone for a sin. I didn't deserve to be an angel any longer..." His voice trailed off.

Pressing him to my chest, I tried to fight the sobs escaping my throat. "Oh my God, Hae..." - was all I could say at the moment. Though wingless, he still remained an angel and the connection between us, though not as strong as it was, still existed. Over the link I could feel his pain, sadness and genuine affection to me. I pressed my cheek to the top of his head, to his tangled hair, and whispered: "I love you, Hae."

He moved away from me just a bit to look into my eyes. "Do you still love me, Sye?", he asked. "I do," I said, leaning to him and pressing my lips to his. Our first kiss was bitter with my tears and sweet with his blood. When we broke apart, his lips were still touching mine, when he asked me: "Do you want us to be together for eternity?" I didn't hesitate to reply: "Yes." His lips were pressing into mine, when he handed me his knife.

I knew what I had to do.



October 24, 2004