Season's Greetings

I don't want to see it. I close my eyes, but nothing changes, because not seeing doesn't mean not knowing. And I know, I know.

I open my eyes and it takes just a second to see your hand discretely slip into his, to notice that little smile that dances over your lips and which is meant only for him. I look away, but in my minds eye I can still see two of you, standing impossibly close to each other.

I cover my ears, but I can hear the words that escape your mouth. They are reminiscent of what I used to say to you. You tell him the exact words and they ring in my head, impossible to chase away.

I shudder, when I see him put his arms around you. Because I can still feel my skin tingling from your touch. And I can't help wrapping my arms around myself, suddenly feeling abandoned.

I know that I am supposed to feel hurt, to be angered, jealous even. But I do not. All I feel is an infinite sadness.

You lean and kiss. And I swallow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The streets were filled with people and the undeniable atmosphere of the holiday. Everybody wore a happy smile and carried bags, most probably filled with season gifts. He could hear bursts of laughter here and there, blooming like flowers in the air. The sky was blue turning into gray, as the evening was approaching, but nobody looked anywhere, but at the shops windows, heavily decorated with green and red and flashing lights. The streets were like one great walking mass of people, eradiating happiness and joy. And that just made him feel even lonelier.

Junsu hadn't planned on being out on the Christmas Eve, quiet on the contrary. But being busy all the time and with all the single deadlines and being stuck with the same stuff 24/7 was making him feel suffocated. What he needed was the breath of fresh air, to get the feeling of the holiday. That was why he decided to take off on his own and wander around the city.

Going out just made it worse. Seeing all those happy people walking with their friends, relatives or significant others didn't help his feeling of loneliness at all. He felt detached, isolated, as if he was the only man on the Earth, for who there was no Christmas. He planned on buying the presents to the other members, but he had no idea about what their wishes could be and had to abandon this idea. His little escape having lost all appeal, now just seemed pointless to him.

He got lost.

He got lost because he walked without paying attention to the street names, and when finally he realized that he could no longer recognize the place, it was too late. His Japanese was far from good to attempt to read all those kanji and calling somebody would mean to admit that he was indeed lost, so he kept walking stubbornly with no idea where their hotel was, wallowing in his misery.

Something landed on his cheek, making him rise his head up in surprise. More tiny snowflakes laded on his face, melting fast. Quickly the city was being covered by the snow, very much resembling one of those Xmas cards, he noticed with wonder. But it was also getting colder. Junsu shivered, wrapping his coat more tightly around himself. He felt cold not only outside but also inside. He longed to see some familiar face in this anonymous crowd of people.

It was getting late.

His wrist watch read half past seven. Junsu was tired and felt that he was walking in circles - and maybe he did - for years. He felt hurt that nobody was looking for him, and he pouted, though it was a childish thing to do. He even sniffed a little, feeling an unmistakable burning of tears in his eyes. He was all alone, cold and lost in a strange city, on Christmas Eve. It did sound like a plot from a children's book. Now he had to wait till a miracle happened - Santa or some fairy appeared and magically brought him home.

Junsu snorted - he was a bit old for that.

One of the shops' windows caught his attention and he stopped to view it. But it wasn't the display of goods that attracted his attention, but a simple Christmas tree with only a silver sparkling star on the top as a decoration. Junsu stood looking at it, and suddenly thought of his family, how his mother decorated Christmas tree every year with bright decorations, thought of laughter and happy anticipation of next morning and presents that were waiting for him underneath the tree.

Looking at that star made him sad. Junsu felt a single tear escape and roll down his cheek. He closed his eyes and made a wish - something he hadn't done since he was ten. "I want to go home", he whispered.

"Junsu!"

With a shocked gasp, the boy opened his eyes to see Jaejoong running up to him. He was enveloped in a tight hug, the moment the raven haired boy reached him. Junsu was still a bit dazed with the reality of it, when Jaejoong finally letting him go showered the younger with the questions. "Where have you been? Why didn't you call? Why did you leave all alone?" But Junsu said nothing looking at the frost reddened cheeks of the elder, at the way his lips looked like two rose petals, at the snowflakes caught in black eyelashes.

"Junsu?"

He was being studied by those dark orbs which shined with gentleness and affection. And Junsu knew that Jaejoong could read him like an open book. But instead of feeling scared, he felt serene.

His face was cupped with a pair of hands wearing colourful mittens, and that made his cheeks both itch and flush with colour. His lips were covered by the other warm ones, and his breath caught in his throat. His eyes closed automatically, and Junsu lost himself in a kiss.

Over a dozen of questions crowded in his head, when the kiss ended and he could breathe again. However Jaejoong just chuckled, and shook his head in amazement. Junsu was about to voice his confusion, when a pair of strong hands encircled his waist and a gentle kiss was pressed to the back of his head.

"Never run away like that", said Yoochun huskily into his ear. And Jaejoong just laughed, and that moment Junsu knew with the absolute certainty that miracles were real.

"Merry Christmas, Junsu."

May 21, 2006