Time flows without any restraint. Feelings change, people
come and go. Places, days, faces - it just a blur in his mind. He knows that
once he was just a boy, the youngest son in the family with too many daughters.
He knows that there used to be the time when he was just a nameless face in the
crowd. One of the thousands. Millions. Some one and no one at the same time.
It all changed some time ago.
It’s been years since he started his career in music
business and it was during those first few years, when everything felt new to
him. There were no limits, he could do anything. Wear any clothes he liked,
choose any hairstyle, go anywhere he liked. He did have obligations and
responsibilities though. Still, the feeling money had given him could be
compared to nothing.
First it was easier to remember what it had been like to
live in the suburb of the city instead of the prestigious center and take subway
instead of a personal car. He could recall times when he had had no cell phone,
although it seemed a strange notion to him now. He remembered that going abroad
once had been as unreachable for him as going to the moon.
Now nothing was impossible.
He thinks of his life ‘before’ and ‘now’, tries to
understand if the life ‘before’ was harder than it is now. Somehow he
can’t really decide it. He is so engrossed in his thoughts, he doesn’t hear
another approach him, until a warm breath caresses his cheek.
“What’s that?” A surprised question and he is
looking at the thing he has been holding in his hands for sometime.
“It’s a player,” he says, his fingers rub lovingly
over the black plastic.
“A radio-cassette player?!” His love sounds much
amused as a slender hand reaches out to touch the named object.
“Yes,” he snaps it out of the other’s reach. “Why
does it surprise you so much?”
“Don’t tell me you still use it! It’s an old piece
of junk!” I smile a little at his words. “Of course not,” I try to imagine
what would have happened to one of our sponsors if they found out that I
neglected their modern mp3-player for the favor of an old cassette player. I can
almost see the horror in their faces and bewilderment, which I am sure is very
similar to the expression my lover wears now.
“I just keep it as a reminder of life I had before this.
Before popularity, fans, money,” I trace the faded name of the brand by the
tip of my finger. “It serves to remind me that once I couldn’t have,
couldn’t afford, everything I wanted.”
A gentle kiss lands on my temple and I know that he
understands.
“The times when we didn’t know each other,” his
voice is half curious, half thoughtful. I nod. Both of us had to go through lots
of things before we got all ‘this’, before we got ‘here’. I wonder if he
thinks of those times as much as I do. If maybe he keeps some thing from that
period of his life as well. I want to know, but I don’t ask. In spite of our
closeness I know that there are some things too private to share.
His arms are warm around me as he pulls me close. “Maybe
I should throw it away,” I murmur into his t-shirt.
Surprisingly I can feel him shake his head, “Don’t. It is part of
your memories. It belongs to you.”
We keep silent for a moment, while I listen to his
heartbeat with my eyes closed. I keep thinking of changes and time, a thought
still nagging at the back of my mind. “Wonder what kind of memories I will
have of you, of us,” I wonder out load.
The arms tighten around me. “No need in those,” he
whispers into my ear, “I am never leaving you.”