A faded photograph

Slowly a calloused finger traced the surface of a slightly faded photo. The pale blue eyes held the eternal sadness; the corners of the mouth slightly curved in a slight smile.

"We have made a full circle, love, haven't we?", a barely audible whisper escaped his dry lips. "We used to hate each other, when we first met. There was no reason for the spite, but it was mutual. But one day, I guess, we simply realized that it was stupid to feel the hatred towards a person you barely knew." 

He paused to lick his lips. "You were the first one to realize it. And you made the first step. It was a rocky road, but, step by step, we grew to trust each other. Very soon we became close friends."

He shook his head, as if in disbelief, the wisps of the dark hair gently sweeping over his prominent cheekbones. "But could I have ever thought that I would go further as to fall in love with you? I was dumbfounded at first. I wasn't sure about what I felt at first. Wasn't sure you would feel the same towards me."

His eyes flicked upwards; the pale orbits matched the blue of the sky above him. "I was so much surprised when you returned my affection. I can still see your gentle smile and sparkling dark eyes. Your beautiful face when you gazed lovingly at me and said those three words is forever imprinted in my memory. I will never forget that feeling."

A single tear escaped his almond shaped eyes and rolled down his cheek. Caught in the memories he was reminiscing about the events of the long gone past. "The affection we felt for each other quickly transformed into the blinding passion. We wanted and demanded from each other much more than each of us could really give. We thirsted for each other, but no matter how many kisses we showered each other with, how many nights we spent making love, nothing was ever enough."

He paused again, looking down and wiping the tear with his hand. He looked at the salty moisture on the tips of his fingers. Slowly his fingers clenched into a fist. "I should have know", he continued slowly, "I should have known that the passion which bloomed so quickly and so forcefully, would wither as fast. You got tired of my demands for your perfection, and I got tired of your unwillingness to change for me."

He gently brushed the fingers over the photo of his beloved again. The picture was taken long ago, both of them were smiling on it; the piece of the glossed paper forever imprinted their feelings. "We were too different, too much of the opposites to be together. I was the first one to realize it. I could also see that our relationship came to a dead end. It couldn't progress anywhere from that point. We couldn't progress anywhere. That it was then when I thought for the first time about letting you go."

His lips were firmly pressed into a thin line, his eyes were shut. A painful expression crossed his beautiful features. "It wasn't an easy decision", he whispered, "It was much harder to make myself letting go of you than I thought. By that time we were together for three years as lovers, and for twice as much as friends. It felt as if I was cutting myself into two."

Another traitorous tear escaped his eyes, followed by another and another and another. The words continued to spill out as were the tears. "It hurt too much. But I managed to say the cruel words. I know, they came out much harsher and hurting than I first intended, but back then I thought that it was for better. I believed that you would be happier without me. Not at once. But some time would pass and the wounds would heal and you would forget me."

He choked on the last words, the suppressed sobs trying to escape his throat. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down a bit, before continuing his confession. "I didn't expect you to forgive me or to try and understand some reasoning behind my actions, but I didn't foresee that you might start to hate me. We were avoiding each other for almost half a year, but every time our paths crossed, you would throw a hating glance or a spiteful remark at me, it tore me apart. Then you got a lover, than got married and seemed to have moved on. But for me the life seemed bleak and meaningless, since you had been gone."

He looked solemnly at the photo again. Slowly he brought it to his lips and kissed the image of his only and true love. Then he put the picture near a stone cross. His gaze swept over the name and the date cut in the stone. He knew every curve of it, as he used to know every curve of the body, now lying buried deep in the earth. 

"I always loved you. No matter what I said. I never stopped loving you", he said. "But you chose not to believe it. It was you who locked the circle, not me." 

He rose to his feet, and swinging his coat over the shoulder, he slowly moved away from the tomb. The traces of the tears were drying under the gentle breeze. He lit a cigarette. He was walking away without looking back, for he knew that he would come here again next year, at the very same day, he was coming here for years now. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered to the wind.




October 11, 2004