Author's note:

I haven't written anything since spring (le shock!), so I guess my skills are somewhat rusty. Working overtimes every day, no matter how much you love your work, is tiring. That complete with my depression is killing my will to write. And not writing is like killing a part of myself.


Dreaming of you



He watches me chain smoking in silence. “Stop that,” he says. All I want to say is why do you care and just leave me alone. But I say nothing. Because I don’t really mean it. And I tell myself that it isn’t his fault. It is my heart that is to blame.


I long for the darkness of the night, for the artificial light of the streetlamps. I carve for the velvety corners of the night clubs, for the backseats of the random taxis. I need a cover to hide my hungry eyes. Because the whole world can see the way I look at you. But you stay oblivious.


“Why are you so silent today?” he asks. And I have no answer to his question except for it hurts to look at you and not be able to touch or because I have nothing to tell you but I love you. But I simply shrug and smile. Because my heart is not ready to reveal its secrets.


“One day you’d break”, Yunho says passing me by and passing me sugar. Changmin leans against the counter watching with all too knowing eyes. “One day he would know”, he adds. But I keep stirring my coffee. They don’t know, they don’t understand. My heart is safe in his hands.


I am looking at the small dot of the airplane leaving white trace in the blue sky. The air is crisp with autumn air and his cologne as he joins me at the balcony. I feel ridiculously happy being there at this moment in time – free and young and with the beautiful man by my side. “What are you dreaming of?” he says looking at me curiously. I smile as I bring a cigarette to my lips.


You, I say.




October 28, 2008