“And then we kiss
Your love comes alive on my lips
I feel the rush
Coming over me, over me
And when we touch
This moment when everything's still
I close my eyes
And then we kiss”
Britney Spears “And then we kiss”
//
He smiles that kind smile of his and I drop his hand.
He doesn’t pull away, but holding his hand like that, that intimately, feels
wrong. Awkward. Bittersweet. So, I let go.
He regards me with those brown eyes of his and I feel
them penetrate my very soul. I know that he knows how I feel. Him knowing it
will change nothing. But it doesn’t lessen the pain. It makes it worse.
We stand so close, I can feel his body heat. It draws
me, beckons me. I can feel it sipping through my skin. My whole being wants him
in, to become part of him. But we do not touch.
He is a kind kid, smart kid. He deserves much more than
my perverse love, and I have nothing else to give. So, I am glad that he
doesn’t touch me. That he doesn’t return my feelings. I know that he cares,
but not that much. Not enough.
I understand,
his eyes seem to tell me. But his understanding, his acceptance and kindness
aren’t enough. They are not what I want. But I will have to live with all I
can get.
I close my eyes, feeling the tears gather and threaten
to spill. He moves and I feel his lips press to mine briefly, chastely. I
whimper. And a tear rolls down my cheek. I shiver, but it is not his hands that
embrace me, it is not his body that presses to mine.
“You are so stupid, Jaejoong”, the quiet voice
says. A chin on my shoulder, Yunho fully supports my weight, letting me lean on
him.
I sniff and let out a bitter laugh.
“I know”, I say, “but I had to tell him.”
The arms squeeze tighter.
“I know”, Yunho says.
His pain is hurting me no less than mine is hurting
him. And I don’t know when our lives have turned in such a mess.
//
The talk with Changmin has shaken me to the bone. And
all I can do is stumble blindly to the only person who I know will be able to
understand. Who knows everything I know. Who feels as strongly as I do.
I pass other guys, ignoring their looks of concern.
There is nothing I can tell them, no excuse I can come up with to explain the
tears that simply won’t stop. My sight is blurred, but I find the room and
drag myself inside and even manage to close the door.
Jaejoong is sitting on his bed, leaning on the
backboard, a book in his lap, though I doubt he was reading. His face is in an
instant alarm and he flings a books aside, when he sees the state I am in, and I
can’t help admiring the way he still cares about me in spite of his own grief.
I stumble to the bed, falling on it, crawling to
Jaejoong in my obvious misery, hiding my face in his lap. The tears won’t
cease and he is holding me, his hands moving through my hair, soothing.
He doesn’t need to ask, so I simply start pouring out
everything. My talk with Changmin, his distress and my pain. Everything. I can
feel him tense and then relax again. And then he is shaking too, and I know that
it is a blow to him as well as it was, is, to me. But it must be said,
because it is truth and he has to know it.
His hands roam my back and then he is urging me to move
higher and lie practically on top of him. I oblige and hide my face in the crook
of his neck and I almost feel like as if I am being hugged by a parent, his
affection is so simple and unselfish, in spite of where his hearts preferences
lay. At this moment I know that he loves me and aches for me and would do
everything to lessen my pain.
But alas I am not as noble as he is, so I kiss his
shoulder and push myself off him a bit, so I can see his face. His cheeks are
wet, as well as mine, his eyes are red and I can feel that he knows what I am
going to ask of him, and I know that he accepts it and maybe even welcomes it.
And I feel like a bastard, but I still say it.
“Let me love you, Jaejoong”.
He simply nods and kisses me. I feel him open up to me
like a flower does to the sun. He gives all of himself into a simple act of
kissing; giving everything, asking for nothing in return. To know that he does
that, although he doesn’t love me is painful. And nevertheless addictive.
We cry as we make love, and then we rest both exhausted
and we need no words to express what the other is feeling. We are the one in
having our hearts broken and being unable to have the one we love.
//
It is an ungodly hour of six in the morning and I am
sitting at the edge of the pool staring at the leaves and other litter floating
on the surface. In an hour some of the hotel staff will come to clean it, but
right now I am safe to be alone here.
I enjoy staying in bed as long as I can and getting
enough sleep is crucial, but when I get up early and go outside it gives me
enough space and time to think. It’s a bit chilly in the morning and there are
goosebumps all over my bare arms, but I refuse going back into the room for
anything warmer than a sleeveless t-shirt I donned.
It is hard to be close to anybody these days. Being
around guys means that either Jaejoong or Yunho will be there as well, and
seeing those two makes my heart ache although for different reasons.
Jaejoong wouldn’t look me into the eyes, and if he
does his face is a mask of misery and pain. He tries to avoid me at all costs,
doesn’t speak to me or hug me. He doesn’t touch me at all.
Yunho wouldn’t speak to me unless it is absolutely
necessary, but even then his words would be brisk and stern. He acts very
protectively towards Jaejoong, acting as a buffer most of the time. But he is
hurting too, I can see that.
What I can not understand is why those two can’t be
together. I know that they are close, but what is holding them back? I hope it
is not my feelings to Yunho…
I can hear the footsteps behind me and I turn and
can’t hide my surprise at seeing Jaejoong. He doesn’t look at me directly,
but he nods and crouches near me.
For a brief moment he watches the same leaves I was
watching some time ago. I am watching him now and I know that he is quite aware
of it. Finally he says, “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to avoid you…”
“It’s okay. I understand,” I answer quickly. I do
understand but it doesn’t make it less painful.
He shakes his head sadly. “Still it was unfair of
me,” he says softly. He pauses and then adds, “I just wish you had told me
earlier.”
I shrug, feeling the familiar pain in my chest,
“Yunho loves you. Not me. It is obvious. I just can’t understand why you
can’t be together…”
Jaejoong turns and looking straight into my face, first
time in God knows how long. He looks tired, I suddenly realize.
“Neither of us can be happy, because we can’t have
what we want,” his hand gently brushes my cheek. “I care for him, but he is
not whom I really want. I wish I could love him as much as I love you. I wish I
could make him happy.”
The hand is warm against my cheek, his thumb moves
slightly brushing my skin. I feel the shiver run down my back.
“I can’t change my feelings to him, or to you.”
And it is truth. “But I want both of you to be happy.” And it is also truth.
“You can make us happy, Changmin,” Jaejoong
whispers. He leans close and his lips close on mine in the sweetest of the
kisses.
When we part, I feel confused at the surge of emotion
that washes through me. His eyes shine with love and at that very moment I know
that I can easily love him back. I smile. He stands up, offering his hand and
gladly I accept. He helps me to my feet and keeps holding my hand for a moment
and it feels nice to hold his too.
But when I turn I see Yunho watching us both. He
doesn’t seem to be bothered at all. He smiles lightly, and holds out his hand
to me. In confusion I turn to look at Jaejoong, but he just shakes his head and
pulling his hand out of my grasp, pushes me slightly into Yunho’s direction.
And I do move although I feel bewildered and shy out of
sudden. Yunho’s grip is strong, unlike Jaejoong’s gently one, and he drags
me closer, undoubtedly enjoying my surprise. His arm goes around my waste and
suddenly I am pressed to his warm body and there is that rush of emotions again.
And then he kisses me.
And I am terrified and giddy and happy and I can’t
feel my feet and everything is swirling around me. But both Yunho’s arm around
me and Jaejoong’s hand at the back of my neck make it easier. They are my
anchors. And I grab Yunho’s shirt and grip Jaejoong’s other hand and cling
to them as a drowning man to a straw.
“I don’t know what to do… with this…
feeling,” I mumble as I lean onto Yunho.
“We’ll work it out,” Jaejoong whispers into my
ear. And as I watch Yunho give him a gentle kiss on the forehead, I know that it
is true. Jaejoong smiles at the gesture and it’s been long since I saw that
smile.
And I promise myself that I will give both of them more
reasons to smile.
//