His telephone was ringing. It sounded too loud in the morbid emptiness of the room. It was like an oversized fly buzzing near his ear, but he didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to pick up, he wanted nothing. He wanted to be left alone.
Riiing.
There could be only one person who would be so persistent. But he didn’t want to talk even to Yunho. Because he knew what would be said, and what would not be said. And he wanted none. Because no words of consolation could make him feel better.
Riiing.
Numbly he thought about an answering machine, whether he had it or not, he could not remember – even such an ordinary fact was escaping him. For all his life was divided into ‘before’ and ‘after’ and there was nothing in between, except for broken pieces.
Riiing.
Click.
‘Hello, I am sorry, but it seems like we can’t…’
He leaped from his seat in a heartbeat, reaching for a receiver and picking up, heart beating and for a moment he couldn’t speak, only breathed heavily, eyes shut. Mentally he cursed himself for forgetting, for not picking up quickly enough, for everything.
There was a silence. And then, “We have to go.”
“I know”, he choked out, willing his hands to stop shaking, wishing for that familiar voice to stop ringing in his head. He needed a drink.
“The ceremony starts in an hour...” But he didn’t want to hear that.
“I know”, he hissed, biting on his lip hard.
“Yoochun..”, there was too much compassion in that word, too much of everything. And he didn’t want to face the reality.
“I know, Yunho, I know”, he ground out, his free hand blindly searching for a bottle, which he knew had to be somewhere there. When his fingers finally circled around a bottle’s neck, he brought it to his lips with little hesitation, not caring if it was drinkable at all. Whatever alcohol burned down his throat, but he kept swallowing until he was out of breath and his eyes were watering.
There was a minute silence on the other end - Yunho, no doubt, hearing his gulps.
“I will come and pick you up in twenty minutes. Be ready.” He said finally.
“Thank you.”
Click.
He had twenty minutes. But what for? What difference could those twenty minutes do? Twenty minutes to brace himself, before confronting outside world; twenty minutes to, perhaps, try to kill himself; twenty minutes to cry his eyes out, so that during the ceremony he didn’t embarrass himself with sobbing; twenty minutes to do nothing and everything at the same time.
His gaze swept the room briefly, lingering on a simple frame which held the evidence of his once happiness and now grief. Those bright eyes and joyful smile would haunt him till the rest of his days.
“How could you?” he asked bitterly, and turned away.
Fifteen minutes.
//
Changmin walked along the streets, feeling vaguely displeased with himself. He had just turned down Junsu’s offer to visit a Modern Arts exhibition, which started today and his friend had been talking about for a whole month. If anything, looking at all those humble attempts at drawing by the Picasso and Dali wannabes was the last thing he would like to be doing now. He felt tired, having had almost no sleep last night due to the haunting nightmare, and his head was fighting against one of the severest headaches and gradually losing. So all he wanted to do now was to come home, take few Aspirin pills, settle down with a cup of strong black and no sugar and read.
He frowned. He really didn’t like disappointing his friends, especially Junsu, who unlike anyone else couldn’t hide his hurt. Changmin could almost never say ‘no’ to him and was mildly grateful for the fact that he had refused the offer over the phone and had been spared the awful fate of being subjected to the Junsu’s infamous pout. And no cute fluffy puppies and little girls in pink dresses could be compared to that.
Changmin sighed. Maybe he would have to call Junsu some other time during the week and suggest going somewhere. He didn’t want to lose yet another friend, because he was being inconsiderate. He would have really appreciated an advice, if there was one to give, but at the same time he felt reluctant to share the details of his nightmare with anyone. And what kind of advice could anyone give to him anyway? Go and consult a psychologist, they would say. And that was the last thing on his agenda.
Absorbed in his thoughts, Changmin walked oblivious to all things and people around him, until he accidentally hit somebody and was started out of his thoughts by the exclaimed “Ow!”.
“I am sorry!” he turned to the person, who was now sitting on the sidewalk, sent there by the force of the impact. Changmin held out his hand to help the young man to his feet. “I am very sorry!” he said again, bowing, “I wasn’t looking where I was going!”
“It’s okay”, came the soft answer, “I wasn’t looking either.”
The stranger was in his early twenties, just like Changmin, but he was shorter and had distinct features that made it possible to call him more than simply handsome. Thick eyelashes, milky white skin and full lips were the things which one was used to associate with female beauty, but this youth, although possessing all those, was definitely male. Dressed in simple blue jeans and a white t-shirt, his neck and both hands were adorned by various jewelry, the young man looked as if he had just stepped out from the glossy pages of fashion magazine.
Changmin suddenly realized that he was staring impolitely at the young man, that’s why he bowed again and turned to leave. He was surprised when he felt a hand on his wrist holding him. Changmin turned to face him again, with the question in his eyes. The moment he turned, the young man released his hold, and timidly looked up at him.
“I am sorry”, he said, “Do I know you from somewhere?” There was something very like hope in his voice.
“I don’t think so”, Changmin didn’t have to ponder much to give his answer. He was sure that if he had seen him before he would have remembered – the young man really stood out.
“Oh”, there was an obvious disappointment now; that made Changmin stop and think and then ask a question, “Why do you think we know each other?”
The young man lifted one shoulder in an elegant shrug. “I don’t know”, he said. The edges of his mouth dropped down. “You were looking at me so intensely, so I thought you might know me from somewhere.” He shrugged again.
“But why…” Changmin found himself at a temperate loss of words. Why do you ask? Why did you stop me? Why is it so important for you? All those questions seemed inappropriate and too personal. He felt himself frowning – although he used to be chatty and easygoing with his friends, he rarely knew what to say to a stranger. He was starting to feel awkward.
“My name is Shin Changmin”, he said finally. It was as much as an introduction as a way to continue the talk.
“Changmin”, the other said slowly, as if tasting his name. Then he shook his head sadly and said, offering a small smile as an apology, “I am afraid, it tells me nothing.”
“What is your name?” Maybe it was not polite to ask, but among all those strange things that were happening to him these days, Changmin felt the need to set things straight.
“That’s the problem”, a frustrated sigh, “I don’t know.”
Changmin could only stare at him.
The young man brushed some dark hair that kept falling into his eyes back and said again, “I don’t know. Or rather I don’t remember. I mean, all I remember is that I was standing at this very spot, doing nothing, just simply trying to understand where the hell I was, when you came by and then you knocked me down. And by the way you looked at me I thought that you might know me.”
He was gesturing with his hand, while he was talking – a bracelet tinkling gently. He stopped and shrugged again. “I am sorry. It is all so confusing.” He looked up and fixing Changmin with a vulnerable look added, “You were the only one who paid any attention to me.”
Changmin felt that he was a part of some strange reality show or a drama, and suddenly he wished for his nightmare to come back to him, because if with it he was sure that he could predict the pattern, at this moment he felt absolutely bewildered at what he was supposed to do or say.
“Curiouser and curiouser”[1], he muttered to himself, rubbing the back of his neck in the gesture of confusion. The rational thought finally getting a hold of him, he asked, “Do you have a wallet? Any ID?” But his strange acquaintance only shook his head.
“No money? Do you know where you live? Do you have relatives?” But all his questions received negative answers. Changmin cursed under his breath. The more questions he asked, the more he felt that he was getting involved into something that was not his problem at all. He was just a passerby. Nothing more. He didn’t want to get involved. But his soft heart couldn’t let him just turn his back on this young man and walk away. And so he searched for some quick solution. But the problem was that there was none.
“Are you sure you don’t remember anything?” Changmin asked again, exasperation finding its way into his voice. The other’s shoulders sagged even more, as he said meekly, “I don’t even know what day it is today.”
He knew it was coming to this, since the very moment the guy had announced that he had nowhere to go. Changmin only thought he had more common sense. Apparently not. Cursing again, as if it could change anything, he shrugged and said, “I have a spare couch, you could crash on, if you like.” And then added hastily, watching as a genius smile blossomed on the other’s face, “But only for a day or so, until you go to the police and find some of your relatives or friends.”
And not waiting for any words of gratitude Changmin turned and, desperately praying that he wasn’t making a mistake and his new acquaintance wasn’t a thief or a serial murderer, led him to his home.
They walked in relative silence, until a sudden thought came to Changmin, “Hey, and if you can’t remember your name, how am I going to address you?” His new room mate shrugged, “I don’t really care.”
“What about ‘Kim’? Half of the country’s population has it as their family name. Who knows, maybe it is yours as well?”
A soft laughter.
“Maybe.”
//
[1] I hope everyone has recognized a quote from Lewis Carroll “Alice in Wonderland”. :) It is my most favorite phrase from that book. And I have a suspicion that Changmin likes this book too, so here you go.
[2] As for the ‘Kim’ thing, it is true! Not the half, but about 20% of population has Kim as a family name. And 9% has Park ;) I read about it somewhere, so it is not simply a fact I came up with.
P.S. And now let me tell you this, kids, never ever take any stangers to you home, even if he happens to be a handsome Korean pop star ;) And no, my comment has no connection with the story.
~*~
to be continued